mindrides

Turn up the heat, it’s too cool in here! Wow whee, zowee! The temperatures are starting to creep up and so is the humidity. I’m not complaining at all. We’re having a run of gorgeous days. We do what we love best, go to the beach. We can’t get enough of it. It is so much fun. I’ll always be a shellacholic. I can’t stop picking them up. It looks like another mural will be created when we revaluate what we have. Who knows?

When the weather is so great you know another storm is coming. In they come, fast they go. In life, it rains. How we handle storms affects our character. Are we able to bounce back quickly or stay still and let it beat us up? I face many storms. Right now I’m looking for full time work.

I’m currently subbing. The school year is winding down and I will soon be without a job. An opportunity has come up for me. I’m trying real hard to be patient and wait to hear back from them. It’s hard to be still and let go of the thoughts of whether I’ll get it or not. I wait. In the meantime, I keep looking for something. God provides and I know he will come through with something. I just need to trust him completely.

Why do I dwell on the bad stuff? A lot of my posts deal with the negative side of life. I don’t want to be this way the rest of my life! I’m a pessimist at heart. I need to change my ways. I hate being like this. Can I? I just need an attitude adjustment. It’s like the chiropractor cracking your back to put your spine in place.

I step forth in faith, which is hard for me to do. My inclination is to doubt. I need to change my ways. Prayer is my best source of transformation, my prayers, as well as others. I can’t do life on my own. I’ve proven this by all the ways I’ve failed when I’ve not trusted God. My heart needs an adjustment. So keep me in mind as I take off on this journey.

I sit and stare at the walls feeling so alone. I have my dog, but he can’t fill the void in my heart with my hubbie gone. He will be back soon. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be single. I don’t want to know. I want my husband & I to live happily everafter. We’ll die in each others arms when were 88.

I can stand being alone temporarily. I just don’t like it. I sit with my thoughts dwelling on things that I don’t need to. I obssess over the stupidest stuff. My mind is a bank of uselessness sometimes. I don’t trust my emotions because they are fleeting. I pray that I get my thoughts under control, Gods. I want his mind, not mine.

Jesus was alone a lot. His closest friends abandoned him at the time he needed them most. He knows what I’m going through better than anyone else. I should learn from him that it’s okay to be alone sometimes. It’s just for a season.

In a moment he was gone. His breath was taken away and his suffering too. My worship pastor died today. He was a good man. He leaves a great legacy behind with the lives he intersected with. I’m at a loss about how someone so young was taken so soon. He will be sorely missed by all. May we all celebrate the life he lived.

Thinking about someone else’s death, makes you think of your own and the people around you. I don’t want anyone to die. Yet I’m not God. So some of us will live a long time and others won’t. I hope that my life will be marked as one well lived. May people have seen God’s reflection in me.

Out on the beach today, my husband and I discussed our own mortality. We both agreed to not die yet. We’re not finished with each other. May we have many years ahead. When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes released at the pier where my husband proposed to me. I don’t want my own death to be a totally sad time. I want it to be a celebration of my new home-heaven. God knows, not me when this time will come. I will make the most of every day I get!!!

Ring in Spring! The flowers are blooming and so am I. At my bible study last night we were all prayed over. It’s amazes me how God gives a word to someone who doesn’t even know you. The image she had of me was a bud. It was no longer tight, but opening. She hit my heart strings when she said this. I’ve bound myself up without letting go of my petals. Throughout our study of overcoming rejection I can see a slight change in my flower. It’s slowly coming forth as I grow in God.

I want to be a gorgeous bloom not choked by the weeds of life. I’ve lost my breath before. However, God comes to prune me, to help me change. He wants me to thrive and turn into what I was always meant to be. I’m here to serve as he did. He set the standard. I’m to follow in his footprints. So I abide in him.

God takes cares of everything on this earth, including me. I need to embrace his grace and not let my flower pass away. I draw near to the son who is the master gardener. He is the one who will help me open up to the full potential of my life.

Brick by brick my wall has been getting higher. I’ve built a fortress around my heart. While in the hospital I remember drawing a picture of a wall. There was only a single barred window in it. I was clinging to the bars. I felt trapped and still do.

I know that I should let people into my world. I’m so afraid of rejection. I shut people out instead of letting them in. If I do, I run the risk of being hurt again. I expose myself too much sometimes. It’s awkward to say, “Hey I’m Lise and I’m bipolar, would you like to be my friend?”

This disease has such a stigma that goes with it. It’s like there is a bull’s eye on me. I’m a target of all the misconceptions people have acquired about it. Why should it matter? I worry about what other people think about me. It’s such a hushed subject. It’s like when I had breast cancer and no one wanted to talk about it.

I seek fellow bipolar people, as well as other friends. I’m sorry for not reaching out to more people. Those who know me, you know I’m not the best about keeping in touch. When I’m in a funk I don’t write much. That is part of the reason why I haven’t blogged a lot lately.

I’m grateful for the subbing, though it’s not what I want to do with my life. At least I’m not alone all the time with my thoughts. When I am I’m busy making bricks. Does anyone have a wrecking ball? This wall MUST come down!

Never ask for it, never, ever! It seems like when you do trials come at you like bullets. I’ve made the mistake of wanting some. Unfortunately, it’s been a hell of a ride. I’m stuck in subland, waiting for a real job to come along. When will it be my time?

Everything that I hoped to have as a job this week didn’t worked out. Time stands still or speeds up sometimes it seems. I’ve been looking for work since mid January. Why can’t I just be thankful for what I’ve got, subbing. I could be getting nothing. At least I’m bringing some money home.

I just want something else. Am I to ever teach again or is something else going to come along? One day I’ll look back at all of this and say, “It was just a temporary bump in the road.” So I need to put my seatbelt on and survive the ride.

The mystery amazes me. I just started subbing before Valentine’s day and it’s going okay. I’m glad to have some money coming in. I still need to find a full time job. I play the lottery every morning at 5:30am. There are alot of people looking to sub. I’m grateful for the work I get.

I started with the worst job ever, an alternative middle school. I went into it with blinders on. I found out that I had many names and they weren’t pretty. I survived the day. Somehow with all the referrals, principal, dean and aides in the class throughout the day, they wanted me back. I told them I would think about it. This meant no and they understood why.

So my next assignment was much better. I was working with autistic kids. The aids were fantastic and helped me out a lot. Since the middle school I’ve been blessed with good assignments. I’ve discerned which ones to take. Thanks be to God who has my back! He is providing for us. We’re going to be okay. I’ll get a better job when the time is right. How awesome is he!

Sew my knee, sew my toe, all the way to Mexico. Hee, hee, as I jumped rope today with my rotary cutter (a tool for quilting). I found out that there is a locking mechanism on it so you don’t cut any pieces of your body off. I guess I should play it safe and use my tools properly or suffer the consequences.

I spent 6 hours today quilting. I made a star and from far you can’t see the mistakes. You have to be looking for them. God doesn’t make errors. He made us in his image. I was never a mistake. He wanted me as I am. So I have bipolar, tis gar plen! I won’t when I die.

As our teacher said this past Sunday heaven is not our goal. If it was he would shoot us all and get us there quicker. Thank God he didn’t do that! Instead we should be striving to be christlike. It’s a monstrous task that will be a lifelong process. I’m ready, how about you?

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know

Be still

Be

I don’t know where this verse is in the bible. I learned this structure from a women’s retreat. How hard it is to just be. Be happy, patient, confident, the list goes on. I want to be all of those, but I’m not there yet. One day at a time. I just need to be where I am, in nowhere, the now & here. I live too much in the past and future. I have regrets and looking ahead is frightful sometimes, though it shouldn’t be. God is with me, that should be enough. I just need to be like him and secure in my skin.