mindrides

Put your coat on it’s freezing here. I couldn’t imagine living in the north or south pole. That is what my life feels like, a series of ups and downs. I don’t know how to separate myself from the bipolar. It’s crazy? When I’m down I tune out the world. When I’m up, I have lots of energy and am focused and alert. Sometimes you’ll catch me in the middle.

I almost bought a book today called Madness. It is about a woman suffering with bipolar. I was going to get it until I read the introduction. She talked about slashing up her arms. It was pretty graphic. I thought, do I really need to dwelve into someone’s life who had it that bad?

I know I’ve had hard times myself. My story is unlike anyone else’s because it’s mine. I tried going to a support group once, but I couldn’t relate to anyone there. It’s just like my breast cancer. Everyone goes through such a unique journey.

I ask myself, why did God make me this way? People get the wrong idea when you say that you’re bipolar. I felt compelled this year to send out an email to everyone on my list to let them know. Maybe I was better off when my secret was hidden. I don’t usually tell people until awhile after I’ve gotten to know them. I’m afraid that they will look at me differently.

Being bipolar sucks! Maybe someday I can share what I’ve gone through with other people. After I got diagnosed I read as much material on bipolar as I could. I could hardly find any personal accounts of people suffering through it. I didn’t like the book The Unquiet Mind. She hardly talked about her own story. She was pretty stupid to be in the mental health field, but not recognize that she had similar symptoms. That’s just my take on it.

God willing I will write a book someday about my bipolar. If one person reads it, I’ll be happy. Then I can cross this task off on my bucket list. If you don’t have one yet. I would make one. I got the idea from the movie The Bucket List. You detail the things you want to do before you die. Hopefully you’ll get to do them.

So I’m having one of those days where I’m weird. I’m sure I’ll look back at this post and wonder what was I thinking? My mind is just wandering all over the place today. Now it’s time to rest. Adios mi amigos con queso.

Love the skin you’re in! I hate this expression. I wish that I had a do over body. I would have taken better care of myself. My skin is etched scars. Ive been burned by the sun too much. I have over 11 spots of skin cancer. I can say that I have had a hole in my head. I had a pretty bad spot there. It has healed like the others. You don’t really notice my spots unless you’re looking for them.

Why am I even writing about this? I go to the dermatologist for my 6 month checkup today. I’m afraid that I may have some more spots. I have a few concerns with some areas on my forehead. I wear sunscreen and my hat. I just can’t stay away from the beach. My husband loves to go with me. I’ve got what you might say is a tan though it doesn’t look like it. I’m pretty fair skinned. I hope I don’t get a lecture.

I know my doctor just wants the best for me. It includes not being carved up anymore like a turkey. I need to watch out for the sun. How can one avoid it? I hope I get good news today. I want a clean bill of health. I want to not be afraid of these appointments. I’ll see what gets stirred up today.

5:00! My body rolls over to look at the clock. I stop, drop and roll out of bed. It’s way too early. I don’t know why I’ve fooled myself to get up then. In just a few hours I will be flying Air Tran to Detroit via Atlanta. I’m excited! I absolutely love flying. There is just something cool about being so high in the air, above the clouds and the tiny dwellings on earth.

I haven’t been home to see my family since Christmas. I miss everyone. The best thing I can do for myself is to get some perspective before I leave today. Everyone in my family has their own uniquenesses. I have to live with them. They are not me. I can’t possibly expect them to do things the way I would. For instance, I would do just about anything to get time with them. I would put them first and foremost in my schedule.

Then I woke up and realize, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to have a great trip. The only one I can change ever is me. I need to go into this eyes wide open. It will all work out. God WILL get me through this trip!