mindrides

In a moment he was gone. His breath was taken away and his suffering too. My worship pastor died today. He was a good man. He leaves a great legacy behind with the lives he intersected with. I’m at a loss about how someone so young was taken so soon. He will be sorely missed by all. May we all celebrate the life he lived.

Thinking about someone else’s death, makes you think of your own and the people around you. I don’t want anyone to die. Yet I’m not God. So some of us will live a long time and others won’t. I hope that my life will be marked as one well lived. May people have seen God’s reflection in me.

Out on the beach today, my husband and I discussed our own mortality. We both agreed to not die yet. We’re not finished with each other. May we have many years ahead. When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes released at the pier where my husband proposed to me. I don’t want my own death to be a totally sad time. I want it to be a celebration of my new home-heaven. God knows, not me when this time will come. I will make the most of every day I get!!!

Ring in Spring! The flowers are blooming and so am I. At my bible study last night we were all prayed over. It’s amazes me how God gives a word to someone who doesn’t even know you. The image she had of me was a bud. It was no longer tight, but opening. She hit my heart strings when she said this. I’ve bound myself up without letting go of my petals. Throughout our study of overcoming rejection I can see a slight change in my flower. It’s slowly coming forth as I grow in God.

I want to be a gorgeous bloom not choked by the weeds of life. I’ve lost my breath before. However, God comes to prune me, to help me change. He wants me to thrive and turn into what I was always meant to be. I’m here to serve as he did. He set the standard. I’m to follow in his footprints. So I abide in him.

God takes cares of everything on this earth, including me. I need to embrace his grace and not let my flower pass away. I draw near to the son who is the master gardener. He is the one who will help me open up to the full potential of my life.

Brick by brick my wall has been getting higher. I’ve built a fortress around my heart. While in the hospital I remember drawing a picture of a wall. There was only a single barred window in it. I was clinging to the bars. I felt trapped and still do.

I know that I should let people into my world. I’m so afraid of rejection. I shut people out instead of letting them in. If I do, I run the risk of being hurt again. I expose myself too much sometimes. It’s awkward to say, “Hey I’m Lise and I’m bipolar, would you like to be my friend?”

This disease has such a stigma that goes with it. It’s like there is a bull’s eye on me. I’m a target of all the misconceptions people have acquired about it. Why should it matter? I worry about what other people think about me. It’s such a hushed subject. It’s like when I had breast cancer and no one wanted to talk about it.

I seek fellow bipolar people, as well as other friends. I’m sorry for not reaching out to more people. Those who know me, you know I’m not the best about keeping in touch. When I’m in a funk I don’t write much. That is part of the reason why I haven’t blogged a lot lately.

I’m grateful for the subbing, though it’s not what I want to do with my life. At least I’m not alone all the time with my thoughts. When I am I’m busy making bricks. Does anyone have a wrecking ball? This wall MUST come down!