mindrides

Crudy, dirty feet laid in his hands. Water would soon clean them. Jesus showed his humility by cleaning his servants feet. We have this example to follow. We should all be willing to do things that aren’t so popular. I’ve cleaned bathrooms, men’s too, yuck! God is glorified by what we do. We need to be humble about it and not do it to fluff ourselves up.

I have had the pleasure of meeting many servants along my journey. They serve to follow Jesus’ example. They love him and his people. It takes many people to operate a church. Those willing choose to serve in a capacity that helps to keep it running smoothly and accomplish its mission. My church is seeking new souls and more servants.

I enjoy serving inside and outside my church. I should be an example all the time, not just when people are looking. It makes me feel good to see how people are changed through being a servant. We are all called to be one. We can serve in many capacities. God leads us all to different things. We are each uniquely gifted. Go forth and serve!

Lovingly he embraced his octopus. My dog loves it, as well as all his other stuffed animals. He finds security with them. He lays around the house with the animal of his choice. He bonds with these inanimate objects. He feels like the world is a better place with a pal nearby.

I want to find job security. Does it exist? I’m looking at places where they can dismiss me or I can walk away with no excuse. What a life! I put in for some positions today, but have no news. I called on an interview I had a few weeks ago. They were reviewing applications and then they would make “the” call. I didn’t hear from them. Is no news really good news? I wait.

In the meantime, I’m starting to relax some. God WILL come through with a job at just the right time. I will trust in him! There is no way that I’m going to make it through this job search without him. I don’t want to fall to pieces. I’m secure in him.

Have you ever…been on a vacation you didn’t want to? I received two weeks severance pay, including my 2009 vacation pay when I was terminated last week. I can’t relax. It’s hard too with looming bills imminent. I need to kick back some or I’ll go mad. I’m going to try to do something fun every day after putting in time looking for employment.

The beach is definetely on top of the list. I’ll go to the gulf and take my dog to the dog beach park. He can play in the water all day if I let him. I want to make some more jewelry. I have several projects in the works. I have enough fabric to make a bizillion quilts. I’m out of practice. I’m hopin to take a refresher class soon. I want to walk in my mom’s footsteps. She is an excellent quilter. She even made me a snoopy Florida quilt.

I can come up with many things to do. I need to take advantage of this time before I get back into the working world. I don’t want to get depressed about all of this. I’ll continue my trek, looking for “that” place for me.

Blisters attack my bare feet. I’ve been walking the dog a lot and pounding the pavement looking for a job. If you don’t know I lost my job this past Monday. They bombarded with a termination letter. I had to decide to walk away that day with severance pay or stay and get booted out eventually. I took the lesser of two evils and collected my things. I was upset at first because of what and how they forced me out.

You know what though, I’m relieved. They did me a favor. I would have continued to stay and be miserable than move onto another job. Things didn’t go according to my plan. They don’t usually. I press on trying to find that door that will open with a new opportunity. I just hope it happens soon.

They are mysterious molecules, clouds. All sizes and shapes are formed in an instance. My husband and I love to say what we see in the clouds…rabbits, dragons, etc. On scary days they light up from the inside out and bolts of lightening spark forth with a rage of thunder. Other times they are serene and brushed gently across the sky. I feel caught between these two worlds…chaos & serenity.

Stress is a big factor with my mind’s perceptions. However, God is bigger than any problem I have now or ever will. He has a proven track record. Just like the clouds come and go he helps my life to flow. With his help I can make it through the turns of these two worlds.

A huge scaly foot shadows over a speck of a human being.  Help, is heard from a small still voice.

Godzilla is my job and it has squashed me a million times over. I just want to stop thinking about it. This job should be a tis gar plen issue. SO WHAT! What difference will it make in 20 years what I did or didn’t do there. I sit here and dwell on how much of a screw up they feel I am. What’s scary is that I’m starting to believe it. I have done some good things at my job, but nobody wants to see that. Shadows are cast over my soul.

I have trust issues. I want to set my own course in life, but I can’t. It’s better that God is in charge, rather than me. I always feel that with the bipolar I have to prove myself to others. I’m not a quitter. The last job I had was teaching at a middle school. I was utterly hopeless and miserable there. I couldn’t control the kids or my own behavior. I stayed despite everything because of my stubborness or stupidity.

When the school told me I could resign or be fired, I said I would go. I was mad and upset. They did me a favor by making a decision I wasn’t willing to make. I probably would have stayed at the school for a long time if this had not happened.

I keep thinking that I’m going to get fired where I’m at now. Why? They feel that everything that goes wrong in that office is my fault. I’m a scapegoat for everyone. I sit quietly and let the semi run me over and over. I’m passive aggressive. I let everything stew, then I usually have an emotional outburst…crying. These episodes never help me cause.

Three to one are the odds on my job. I’m one person trying to do a thousand things with no guidance. If the company falls to bits, it’s on me. No job is worth all of the anxiety I’m having. Yet I let it own me. I try to do better, but fail. What am I to do…Godzilla is going to pound me harder, if I don’t stop him.

I fear for my sanity. There is a new director for my organization. She appears friendly; however, all she has heard about me is critisim for the awful job I’ve done for eight months holding the office together. I’ve made mistakes that I’ll take responsibilty for, but I shouldn’t be the only one to fess up. I did the best I could in the horrible situation I was put in.

I had barely any training for my position. The last director was a control freak. He didn’t want to let go and accept help with anything. He was doing a lot of my job. I was always busy with other things. There was plenty things to do.

He left a few months after I started. I continued his lead and did the things the way that he had done. I knew no other way. Board members had to help take some of the load. I had a lot of pressure on me that I didn’t ask for. No one was sympathetic. I had many mini melt downs as I tried to keep the office up and running. It wasn’t good enough for anyone.

When help came in an interim director I was scared then. I was also defensive because she laid into me hard from the beginning. I heard nothing but negative things about me. I made the mistake of telling her about the bipolar. She conspired with the board president who said he already knew. Can they fire me? Can I fight them with the American Disabilities Act? I don’t know if I have a case. Do I really care?

I’m working myself up about the unknown. How will this new director be? Please pray for me. I can’t lose my soul because of this transition. I’ve had a bad history with other jobs. I NEED to get a less stressful job, but I drag my feet. I fear the unknown. I have to get something else soon. Please keep me in mind as I face this new person. May today be a blank day with no other thoughts about her. I don’t have to dwell on something I have no control over. Thanks for listening to me as I get this fear off my chest and the monkeys off my back.

I see you all the way through. My face gives away my heart. I can’t hide how I’m feeling. I’m not very good at it. I figure that my problems are meant to be locked up in a safe for no one to see. I don’t like to admit that I’m weak. I want to be strong, but I can’t stand on my own strength.

See me in my words. I can be found. This blog has been good for me. I have the opportunity to get my feelings outside my mind. Just like breathing, writing comes naturally to me. Thanks for joining me on this adventure!

I’ll be back…he cooly rides off on his motorcycle. Mental illness doesn’t follow Arnold’s futuristic cyborg nature. It sticks around. Bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness. It could be healed if God deems it. Maybe it’s like my husband says that we all experience losses for a reason. So my brain doesn’t think straight. Someone out there can relate. You know where I’m coming from.

I wish the bipolar would go away forever. I strive to do what I can to make it day to day. I feel sometimes like I’m a gerbil stuck in a wheel never able to stop. I keep running, but I’m going nowhere. My life is intermitted with highs and lows. I’m doing okay now. I’ve been bouting depression off and on over the past year.

2009 is a full of possibilities. I hope that this year is even better than the past one. Hard as it is I have to stay in the here and now. I can’t live in the past. The present holds me in the balance. The future scares me and is so uncertain.  I’m glad that I don’t know everything about my life. It would blow away my mind literally.

Who knows, what? Maybe I’ll wake up from my nightmare and the bipolar will be gone. I’ll live happily ever after…

…the end. Vacation has come to a close. It’s back to reality land. Life is going to go forward with or without me. I press on. There are lots of things to do. I guess I’ve missed being in some sort of routine. I’ve been doing my own thing since we’ve had time off. It’s been good, but now it’s over. Here’s hoping that this year will be even better than the last one. Peace out!