mindrides

I be tripping man. My husband & I are on our way home to Ohio. These trips get longer and longer the older we get. It will take us twelve hours to get there. We’re splitting the drive to two days. We’re excited about seeing our friends and family. We don’t get to go home as much. FLorida is where our heart is. We gave up so much to move down south. We gained everything. My husband & I are not just surviving, but striving. The beach is just minuted away. It is our resting spot. We’ll never get tired of it. Come down sometime, we’ve got the room. See you’all.

It changes day by day, just like my mood does. One day the waves are crazy, then the next day they’re glass. I love being by the beach. As my husband says, “We’re living in our vacation.” Most people we know will never experience what we are. We enjoy going to the beach to walk, sit, stand and recline. We have countless photos and shells. Will it ever get old, no! We need it too much. When life socks it to us, it is a place where we can go to get away. It’s beauty blows me away. The aquamarine colors of the water radiate with the sun. The end of the day brings on an explosion of colors. Each night bringing on a new show. I haven’t been daring enough or awake to see the dawn of a new day, but I have to believe with my heart that it will be different. Today is a new beginning.

I’ve got a bad case of MI. I wish it would disappear. Anyone have a magic wand that works? Everyone I know says that theirs are broken beyond repair. I guess it would be too easy to have my problems disappear. I’m going through them for some reason.

My mental illness sucks. I get overwhelmed, stressed, depressed and irrational, the list goes on. I wish I could get off this ride. Maybe it’s easier to be sick than well. I don’t know. I think I’m doing good, then something knocks me off my feet. I get up, than down. My moods hinge on a teeter totter. Airborn I am when an elephant sits on one end.

My mind is heavy right now. I don’t know where to even begin with anything. I do things sporadically. If I’m having a down spell I stop writing, reading, emailing, basically cease doing the things I love. Where do I even start? Here in my blog I find refuge. I write for me, then for others. I want people to see what it’s like to be bipolar. Be glad that you’re not mentally ill. I wouldn’t wish it even my worst enemy. It sucks!

I do. It seems like just the other day I said these two small, but strong words. My husband and I have been married eighteen years today. What a celebration of love and testimony our lives have been. We first met when I was a young, eighteen year old geek. Scott was the boyfriend of a college classmate. He was and is so cool. I always liked him as a friend, best one I have ever known. Fate or destiny pulled us into true luv and marriage. It has not been an easy life for us since we first said our vows, which he made me laugh through. He said his perfectly then he was making faces while I was saying mine. In the recording that day you can hear me say loudly, stop it! I won’t soon forget what I promised to him that day. We have lived out our vows and will continue till the death do we part. We have been rich. We thought we hit the jackpot when I started making 30,000 at my first teaching job in D.C. Everyone thought we were crazy. We have been poor. We have broken many piggy banks to go to the store to buy ramen noodles. Our cars were literally stuck together with duct tape. We have been through many sicknesses…breast cancer, skin cancer, bipolar, viruses, etc. Likewise, we’ve had days of good health and recovery from the cancers and medication for the bipolar. Till death do we part. I’ve pushed this line when I tried to kill myself. I’ve almost died from many falls and car accidents. I’m still here, we are. We’re in this for the long haul. We have proved to many people that we have a love that will last a lifetime. Happy Anniversary my love.

Standing on the picnic table, arms crossed I fell backwards…then I was caught. At Centrifuge in Tennessee we had team building activities for both the adults and youth. This was one of the things we did. Someone would even lay on the ground as people above caught the person falling from the table. What a rush! Needless to say, I discovered that though I didn’t know these people well, we built a level of trust over the few days we were together.

Why is it so hard to trust? I don’t get it. I trust too easy sometimes and my heart gets crushed. Other times it is earned after a laborious process. It just depends on my prerequisites or my mood I guess. I wish I was consistent with the way I think. My mind wavers like a rope bridge going with the flow of the wind.

I struggle too much with trust issues. I don’t want to get hurt. Sometimes it seems as though I set myself up to fail by the people who I put my trust in. Other instances I question people who have remained loyal to me. I’m so fickle.

The person I need to trust is God. He is someone who has earned it through all the things he has put up with me. He stills love me. I can fall and be caught safely for I know he is there.