mindrides

How strong are you inside? A student brought that up to me today. My response is not strong enough. I’m in spiritual strength training. I have to exercise daily. Sometimes I just want to skip a workout, but when I do I can feel it. In my weakness, God is strong.

My money tree is growing quite nicely in the back yard. I cultivate it and keep its branches pruned. Then I woke up. I looked outside and there’s a pine tree with cones displaced all over the yard. I wish it were twenty dollar bills. My husband and I could really use that tree right now. He hasn’t been paid in over a month. It seems like we’ll never get caught up on bills. Can you relate?

Unfortunately my dream didn’t come true. I have to do what I can with what I have. I pray that God finds favor with us and our finances. We’ve been talking about this topic in church. I really want to give money, tithe to the church. Right now, we can’t. I will serve in other ways. God can use us all, we are not a lost cause.

Would you like fries with that? I’m practicing my line for an illustrious job in the food industry, please no. I applaud the people who can work this kind of job and provide service with a smile. They know that by their actions, judgements will be made. How they act or react can break or make business.

We live in a Burger King world. We want it our way right away. In God’s world the tables are turned. Jesus came to serve, not be served. We should have like minds. To know true joy, we should put Jesus first, others second and ourselves last.

My husband was a youth leader for many years. The greatest act of service he would do was to wash the kids’s feet. Why? He was following the master. Each group we had their feet were washed. He was showing them the full extent of his love and how he would always be there for them.

He has washed my feet many times. It took me a long time before I could wash his feet. It takes a lot of humility to do this. I didn’t feel worthy. This was a very emotional time for me. It was one of the most intimate moments I have experienced with my husband.

The lower the latitude

the greater the attitude

Isn’t this a wonderful expression! My huband and I saw this on someone’s license tag holder. When I reflected on it, I thought how true it is. We are testaments to having a change in attitude since we moved to sunny Florida.

We had been living in Ohio prior to this move. Our minds were not in a good place there. We were in good paying jobs, owned our home, had our dog, life was going. Every night we would come home and it would be the same. We would both complain about how miserable our jobs were and how life sucked. We were in a viscious downward cycle.

My husband threw out the idea of moving to Florida on an intentional whim. I was like, huh? Can we do this? Everything fell into place. Before we knew it in less than a year we where there. We’re loving it, living in our vacation. We go to Ohio to visit friends and family, but our heart is here.

Florida stirred up our lives in a grand way. We are better off than when we were in Ohio. We don’t have as much here, but the move was worthwhile. Going to the beach is the best part of being down here. It’s great to relax and just be. Life is good!

You only have nine months! I can only imagine what it must feel like to give birth to someone. Nine months of God’s creation being interwined in your womb. I’ll never know this joy. It hurts to be around babies. So many friends are pregnant. Kids from our old youth groups are married and have children of their own. When will it be my time?

I once tried suicide. I took a full bottle of aspirin. I wanted to hurt myself and I succeeded in doing so. Hope was nowhere to be found for me. I was working in a job I hated and overall life wasn’t good. Instead of seeking help, I took matters into my own hands. I swallowed those pills with a purpose and passion.

Soon my eyes of stupidity opened. I started putting my finger down my throat to help me throw them up. I made it to work somehow, but wasn’t doing well so they sent me home. No one would have known what happpened except that I told them in the ER what I had done.

You see now why I can’t put myself and my baby into harm because of the drugs I’m taking to keep me stable. I can never use my body to be a part of creation. Don’t take it lightly if you’re a mother. Someone out there desires with all their heart to be you one day.

Forgive me, I just ate your gerbil and it tasted good. Have you ever talked like that? I’m sooo sorry I did it. That kind of apology means nothing. Why? It is not sincerely given. Maybe that gerbil meant a lot to that person.

I need to ask forgiveness from God. I get trapped into a cycle of stupidity. I sin. My mind and heart are not always connected. I act on my feelings which are forever changing. Sometimes I don’t know where I start and where the bipolar begins. I’ve never quite figured that one out. I could blame everything on my illness, but that is the easy way out.

God wants me to act on faith, not feelings. They are fleeting. We are to forgive as we have been forgiven. No matter how bad someone wrongs me I have to forgive them. It sets me free from holding on to the situation and letting it foster into a grudge. My 911 night will always be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to forgive. I was told that my call was not real. My reality was skewed that week, but I knew I had done it. The person who did this to me made me doubt myself. That isn’t what I needed at the time.

I forgave them. I ask the same of other people to free me from the wrong I’ve done them. I have a funny story about asking for forgiveness. My husband was out of town when I ran my car up on a curb going pretty fast. I drove the car away from the scene. It was still working, but strangely. I took it in for an oil change. The guy was like you know that the blah, blah underbelly of your car was majorly damaged and it’s going to cost $700 to repair. I’m mortified because we don’t have the money to fix it.

I come home and my husband is back early. The first thing that happens when I see him is to tell him I messed up the car and how much it’s going to cost. The look on his face told me that he wanted a do over. Maybe the second time I would get it right. I felt like I was the world’s worst wife. I didn’t even kiss him or say hello. He found it in his heart to forgive me.

Remember that forgiveness is a two way street. So watch both ways before you cross.

NO! I used to hate hearing that word. Now that my job involves cooridinating volunteers, I can hack it. I figure that if I keep on asking someone will eventually say yes. Saying no to me doesn’t matter anymore.

In my personal life it is hard being rejected. We all want to be loved. Someone out there will probably not like you, that’s life. I’ve lived in fear of rejection. I drew a picture while I was in the hospital analyzing this issue. It was of a brick wall with bars I was grasping.  I had created my own prison because I wasn’t letting anyone into my inner life.

I’m different now. I’m not as afraid to get hurt. Jesus felt everything we have, including rejection. Imagine that one day everyone loves you and than the following day they want you dead. What a bipolar crowd that was! Jesus was having a really bad day. I can’t complain needs to be my mantra.

Eat, poop, sleep, play and repeat the cycle. This is my dog’s routine. If life could only be that simple. Alas, humans get into cycles too. I have my daily routines. I walk the dog, do my bible study, shower, commute, work and repeat. It’s a rhythmn I’m in.

Weekends throw me and my dog off. Our routines are disrupted. Especially with the bipolar it’s good to have one. My sleep-wake-cycle needs to remain consistent, if possible. Having a night job wouldn’t be good. I need to get an adequate amount of rest. I could tail spin if I don’t sleep enough. The three big things that I watch out for are sleep, stress and sun (skin cancer).

 I like order, though I rise in the midst of chaos. I freak out intially than I buckle down and do what needs to be done. I try the best to do what I can. I need to let God handles things for me. Too much of my life is about tis gar plen issues. So what if I don’t shampoo my hair first or I take the highway, not the side streets. I need to branch out and do life differently. I want to live, not whither with routine. Rewind. Fast forward. Play. Off.

Utter exhaustion overwhelmed me last night. I could barely keep my eyes open to write anything at all. My doctor let me drop one of my medications. It’s not an essential one, depending on your perspective. I’ve used it to keep myself awake during the day.

I take Ambien at night to fall asleep. It’s powerful stuff. My head hardly hits the pillow before I’m asleep. I always listen to my ipod when it’s bedtime. I takes less than three minutes before I’m out like a light. Needless to say my playlist has become shorter. I always listen to Yo-Yo Ma’s Suite No. 1 Prelude and Keith Jarrett’s Koln Concert Part 1. These are great tunes to put you to rest. I highly recommend them.

Even though I’m a medicine short, I haven’t felt well rested lately. My husband says nap and I’m out. I slept a bit this weekend. I won’t judge my doctor’s decision hastily. He knows what’s best for me.

We can all use some rest. I remember the pre-Ambien day. I would toss and turn my life around in my head; it seemed like a gerbil forever caught in his wheel. For me, mind racing is not a good thing. It puts me into a dangerous cycle where I could end up in the hospital if not caught. I heed my body’s signals.

True rest comes from abiding in him. Even when I’m awake I need rest from  everyday circumstances. I strive to find quiet in my crazy world to be with him. Then I can hear his still, small voice.

I went to get some. Be back soon!