mindrides

Time flies when you’re having fun in the sun! I love the beach as you know now. I wish I had friends to enjoy it with. My husband & I go a lot; however, it would be great to have some one on one time with other people. I wish I made friends easily. I’m quite shy and too weird I guess.

I had a really good friend that lived close to our apartment when we first moved to Florida. Our friendship was tainted by her religious views on life. Needless to say, it was time to move on. I was sorry that things went downhill. I really felt a connection with her.

My church is a great place to meet people. I’ve gone there a year now and haven’t really gotten close to anyone. I know people, but they don’t know me. I guess it just takes time to build relationships. I just need to relax and just be me. Friendhships will be formed when its due time.

Put your coat on it’s freezing here. I couldn’t imagine living in the north or south pole. That is what my life feels like, a series of ups and downs. I don’t know how to separate myself from the bipolar. It’s crazy? When I’m down I tune out the world. When I’m up, I have lots of energy and am focused and alert. Sometimes you’ll catch me in the middle.

I almost bought a book today called Madness. It is about a woman suffering with bipolar. I was going to get it until I read the introduction. She talked about slashing up her arms. It was pretty graphic. I thought, do I really need to dwelve into someone’s life who had it that bad?

I know I’ve had hard times myself. My story is unlike anyone else’s because it’s mine. I tried going to a support group once, but I couldn’t relate to anyone there. It’s just like my breast cancer. Everyone goes through such a unique journey.

I ask myself, why did God make me this way? People get the wrong idea when you say that you’re bipolar. I felt compelled this year to send out an email to everyone on my list to let them know. Maybe I was better off when my secret was hidden. I don’t usually tell people until awhile after I’ve gotten to know them. I’m afraid that they will look at me differently.

Being bipolar sucks! Maybe someday I can share what I’ve gone through with other people. After I got diagnosed I read as much material on bipolar as I could. I could hardly find any personal accounts of people suffering through it. I didn’t like the book The Unquiet Mind. She hardly talked about her own story. She was pretty stupid to be in the mental health field, but not recognize that she had similar symptoms. That’s just my take on it.

God willing I will write a book someday about my bipolar. If one person reads it, I’ll be happy. Then I can cross this task off on my bucket list. If you don’t have one yet. I would make one. I got the idea from the movie The Bucket List. You detail the things you want to do before you die. Hopefully you’ll get to do them.

So I’m having one of those days where I’m weird. I’m sure I’ll look back at this post and wonder what was I thinking? My mind is just wandering all over the place today. Now it’s time to rest. Adios mi amigos con queso.

Love the skin you’re in! I hate this expression. I wish that I had a do over body. I would have taken better care of myself. My skin is etched scars. Ive been burned by the sun too much. I have over 11 spots of skin cancer. I can say that I have had a hole in my head. I had a pretty bad spot there. It has healed like the others. You don’t really notice my spots unless you’re looking for them.

Why am I even writing about this? I go to the dermatologist for my 6 month checkup today. I’m afraid that I may have some more spots. I have a few concerns with some areas on my forehead. I wear sunscreen and my hat. I just can’t stay away from the beach. My husband loves to go with me. I’ve got what you might say is a tan though it doesn’t look like it. I’m pretty fair skinned. I hope I don’t get a lecture.

I know my doctor just wants the best for me. It includes not being carved up anymore like a turkey. I need to watch out for the sun. How can one avoid it? I hope I get good news today. I want a clean bill of health. I want to not be afraid of these appointments. I’ll see what gets stirred up today.

5:00! My body rolls over to look at the clock. I stop, drop and roll out of bed. It’s way too early. I don’t know why I’ve fooled myself to get up then. In just a few hours I will be flying Air Tran to Detroit via Atlanta. I’m excited! I absolutely love flying. There is just something cool about being so high in the air, above the clouds and the tiny dwellings on earth.

I haven’t been home to see my family since Christmas. I miss everyone. The best thing I can do for myself is to get some perspective before I leave today. Everyone in my family has their own uniquenesses. I have to live with them. They are not me. I can’t possibly expect them to do things the way I would. For instance, I would do just about anything to get time with them. I would put them first and foremost in my schedule.

Then I woke up and realize, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to have a great trip. The only one I can change ever is me. I need to go into this eyes wide open. It will all work out. God WILL get me through this trip!

Signs are more significant than we know. One brought a man who had been distant from the Lord to my church today. This relationship changed because of a sign that was posted out on the road. He had a divine encounter with God as a result.

I sit back sometimes and wait for God to give me a sign. Often I’m not looking at all when they are right in front of my face. I want to be the sign maker when it’s not my job. God wants to get my attention.

My pastor said some powerful words that spoke to my heart today. Everyday before our feet touch the floor we should say not my will, but your will be done Lord. God gives signs to me all the time. I just need to be more aware of his presence and open my eyes.

Have you ever longed for something so bad that you felt your heart would burst? I have. I’m 40.5 years old. I have never been to Disney World or have had children. The latter is more important to me. When I have a child I can take her there. I really want a girl. I have nothing against boys though.

We’ve been married 19 years now. The time has flown by. I have and will always long for children. I see other people so happy to have them. I know our lives would never be the same. We’ve enjoyed our time together as husband & wife. It’s been exciting to be so free. We have lost some of that freedom with our dog. He needs us. I think we can handle the bigger challenge of a child.

I’ve been collecting kid stuff for many, many years in hope of the day I have a child of my own. I’ve been looking at the items collected and the longing lingers. I want to feel that my heart will burst with the love I can lavish on my child. Please pray for us. There are always reasonings why and when it should happen. I don’t want it to never occur.

Our best bet is to adopt. With the bipolar I’m taking to many risky drugs that would hinder a healthy birth. We looked at adoption before. It sounds like they scrutinize the potential parents more than the birth parents. They will know everything, about the bipolar, skin and breast cancer. We need a miracle to get a child. I have to hold fast and truly believe that all things are possible with God!

Turn up the heat, it’s too cool in here! Wow whee, zowee! The temperatures are starting to creep up and so is the humidity. I’m not complaining at all. We’re having a run of gorgeous days. We do what we love best, go to the beach. We can’t get enough of it. It is so much fun. I’ll always be a shellacholic. I can’t stop picking them up. It looks like another mural will be created when we revaluate what we have. Who knows?

When the weather is so great you know another storm is coming. In they come, fast they go. In life, it rains. How we handle storms affects our character. Are we able to bounce back quickly or stay still and let it beat us up? I face many storms. Right now I’m looking for full time work.

I’m currently subbing. The school year is winding down and I will soon be without a job. An opportunity has come up for me. I’m trying real hard to be patient and wait to hear back from them. It’s hard to be still and let go of the thoughts of whether I’ll get it or not. I wait. In the meantime, I keep looking for something. God provides and I know he will come through with something. I just need to trust him completely.

Why do I dwell on the bad stuff? A lot of my posts deal with the negative side of life. I don’t want to be this way the rest of my life! I’m a pessimist at heart. I need to change my ways. I hate being like this. Can I? I just need an attitude adjustment. It’s like the chiropractor cracking your back to put your spine in place.

I step forth in faith, which is hard for me to do. My inclination is to doubt. I need to change my ways. Prayer is my best source of transformation, my prayers, as well as others. I can’t do life on my own. I’ve proven this by all the ways I’ve failed when I’ve not trusted God. My heart needs an adjustment. So keep me in mind as I take off on this journey.

I sit and stare at the walls feeling so alone. I have my dog, but he can’t fill the void in my heart with my hubbie gone. He will be back soon. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be single. I don’t want to know. I want my husband & I to live happily everafter. We’ll die in each others arms when were 88.

I can stand being alone temporarily. I just don’t like it. I sit with my thoughts dwelling on things that I don’t need to. I obssess over the stupidest stuff. My mind is a bank of uselessness sometimes. I don’t trust my emotions because they are fleeting. I pray that I get my thoughts under control, Gods. I want his mind, not mine.

Jesus was alone a lot. His closest friends abandoned him at the time he needed them most. He knows what I’m going through better than anyone else. I should learn from him that it’s okay to be alone sometimes. It’s just for a season.

In a moment he was gone. His breath was taken away and his suffering too. My worship pastor died today. He was a good man. He leaves a great legacy behind with the lives he intersected with. I’m at a loss about how someone so young was taken so soon. He will be sorely missed by all. May we all celebrate the life he lived.

Thinking about someone else’s death, makes you think of your own and the people around you. I don’t want anyone to die. Yet I’m not God. So some of us will live a long time and others won’t. I hope that my life will be marked as one well lived. May people have seen God’s reflection in me.

Out on the beach today, my husband and I discussed our own mortality. We both agreed to not die yet. We’re not finished with each other. May we have many years ahead. When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes released at the pier where my husband proposed to me. I don’t want my own death to be a totally sad time. I want it to be a celebration of my new home-heaven. God knows, not me when this time will come. I will make the most of every day I get!!!