mindrides

My life is an open book, give it a look. Today I made up my mind to write a book about my experiences with bipolar. I don’t know what direction it’s going to take, but it’s going to be good. I look forward to pursuing this passion and dream of mine. Maybe this is my way of giving back to people who have given me so much. So stay tuned.

“A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.” Isn’t this true! I have known a lot of people in my life, but few people truly know the “real” me. I either expose my bipolar or not. Some people don’t care. Other people look at you like you’re gonna get a gun out and go postal. I wish I could be honest with everyone and not be judged. I NEVER asked to have a mental illness. Oh by the way God, bless me with this gift.

I go about my life hiding from friends and enemies. I just don’t let people get close to me. I build walls around my heart. I’m afraid that if I don’t do this they will not like what they see on the inside. I just want to be “normal,” whatever that is.

I don’t rock the boat with people. I sit still and just let life happen. I feel so far away from my friends. Some are in other states, some are close by. Why can’t I just be me? I so badly want to be the Lise that God made me to be, flaws in all.

Words mean so little and so much. “I’m fine,” I say. When really deep down I’m suffering to the core of my being. Life is not the way I intended it to be. Other people are living my dream. I’m just living life out one day at a time.

I must admit I’m depressed, if you haven’t figured it out already. I’m 41 years old and have no career or prospects. The only thing I’ve known is teaching. I’ve always rode a roller coaster ride of emotions when I was doing it. What am I to do now?

I just stop doing and sleep. I spend too much time sleeping throughout the week. I don’t take time to do the little things around the house or things for me. I just let things slide through my fingers. Life continues to pass me by. If I don’t watch out it will soon be gone…

Deal or no deal? Yes! I’ll take the money. I used to watch that show until it started to annoy me. Some people are greedy to the core of their being. No deal, no deal, the audience shouts. The contestant chooses to go on one more time. The smart ones know better when to stop.

I need to stop worrying about life. Yes, I’m going to get a job! Is it going to be teaching? I’ll have to wait and see. I can’t predict the future. I read again and again Matthew 6 & Luke 12. Jesus is preaching to the disciples about not worrying. He said to pursue God and trust him, he knows our needs. I need to heed his advice.

I have applied for three art positions in my school district. Only time will tell if I’ll get one. I keep watching to see if anything else comes up. I’m looking for other non-art jobs, but I see nothing. I want a job I’ll care about and love going to each day. It will happen. So I wait.

Time flies when you’re having fun in the sun! I love the beach as you know now. I wish I had friends to enjoy it with. My husband & I go a lot; however, it would be great to have some one on one time with other people. I wish I made friends easily. I’m quite shy and too weird I guess.

I had a really good friend that lived close to our apartment when we first moved to Florida. Our friendship was tainted by her religious views on life. Needless to say, it was time to move on. I was sorry that things went downhill. I really felt a connection with her.

My church is a great place to meet people. I’ve gone there a year now and haven’t really gotten close to anyone. I know people, but they don’t know me. I guess it just takes time to build relationships. I just need to relax and just be me. Friendships will be formed when its due time.

Put your coat on it’s freezing here. I couldn’t imagine living in the north or south pole. That is what my life feels like, a series of ups and downs. I don’t know how to separate myself from the bipolar. It’s crazy? When I’m down I tune out the world. When I’m up, I have lots of energy and am focused and alert. Sometimes you’ll catch me in the middle.

I almost bought a book today called Madness. It is about a woman suffering with bipolar. I was going to get it until I read the introduction. She talked about slashing up her arms. It was pretty graphic. I thought, do I really need to dwelve into someone’s life who had it that bad?

I know I’ve had hard times myself. My story is unlike anyone else’s because it’s mine. I tried going to a support group once, but I couldn’t relate to anyone there. It’s just like my breast cancer. Everyone goes through such a unique journey.

I ask myself, why did God make me this way? People get the wrong idea when you say that you’re bipolar. I felt compelled this year to send out an email to everyone on my list to let them know. Maybe I was better off when my secret was hidden. I don’t usually tell people until awhile after I’ve gotten to know them. I’m afraid that they will look at me differently.

Being bipolar sucks! Maybe someday I can share what I’ve gone through with other people. After I got diagnosed I read as much material on bipolar as I could. I could hardly find any personal accounts of people suffering through it. I didn’t like the book The Unquiet Mind. She hardly talked about her own story. She was pretty stupid to be in the mental health field, but not recognize that she had similar symptoms. That’s just my take on it.

God willing I will write a book someday about my bipolar. If one person reads it, I’ll be happy. Then I can cross this task off on my bucket list. If you don’t have one yet. I would make one. I got the idea from the movie The Bucket List. You detail the things you want to do before you die. Hopefully you’ll get to do them.

So I’m having one of those days where I’m weird. I’m sure I’ll look back at this post and wonder what was I thinking? My mind is just wandering all over the place today. Now it’s time to rest. Adios mi amigos con queso.

Love the skin you’re in! I hate this expression. I wish that I had a do over body. I would have taken better care of myself. My skin is etched scars. Ive been burned by the sun too much. I have over 11 spots of skin cancer. I can say that I have had a hole in my head. I had a pretty bad spot there. It has healed like the others. You don’t really notice my spots unless you’re looking for them.

Why am I even writing about this? I go to the dermatologist for my 6 month checkup today. I’m afraid that I may have some more spots. I have a few concerns with some areas on my forehead. I wear sunscreen and my hat. I just can’t stay away from the beach. My husband loves to go with me. I’ve got what you might say is a tan though it doesn’t look like it. I’m pretty fair skinned. I hope I don’t get a lecture.

I know my doctor just wants the best for me. It includes not being carved up anymore like a turkey. I need to watch out for the sun. How can one avoid it? I hope I get good news today. I want a clean bill of health. I want to not be afraid of these appointments. I’ll see what gets stirred up today.

5:00! My body rolls over to look at the clock. I stop, drop and roll out of bed. It’s way too early. I don’t know why I’ve fooled myself to get up then. In just a few hours I will be flying Air Tran to Detroit via Atlanta. I’m excited! I absolutely love flying. There is just something cool about being so high in the air, above the clouds and the tiny dwellings on earth.

I haven’t been home to see my family since Christmas. I miss everyone. The best thing I can do for myself is to get some perspective before I leave today. Everyone in my family has their own uniquenesses. I have to live with them. They are not me. I can’t possibly expect them to do things the way I would. For instance, I would do just about anything to get time with them. I would put them first and foremost in my schedule.

Then I woke up and realize, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to have a great trip. The only one I can change ever is me. I need to go into this eyes wide open. It will all work out. God WILL get me through this trip!

Signs are more significant than we know. One brought a man who had been distant from the Lord to my church today. This relationship changed because of a sign that was posted out on the road. He had a divine encounter with God as a result.

I sit back sometimes and wait for God to give me a sign. Often I’m not looking at all when they are right in front of my face. I want to be the sign maker when it’s not my job. God wants to get my attention.

My pastor said some powerful words that spoke to my heart today. Everyday before our feet touch the floor we should say not my will, but your will be done Lord. God gives signs to me all the time. I just need to be more aware of his presence and open my eyes.

Have you ever longed for something so bad that you felt your heart would burst? I have. I’m 40.5 years old. I have never been to Disney World or have had children. The latter is more important to me. When I have a child I can take her there. I really want a girl. I have nothing against boys though.

We’ve been married 19 years now. The time has flown by. I have and will always long for children. I see other people so happy to have them. I know our lives would never be the same. We’ve enjoyed our time together as husband & wife. It’s been exciting to be so free. We have lost some of that freedom with our dog. He needs us. I think we can handle the bigger challenge of a child.

I’ve been collecting kid stuff for many, many years in hope of the day I have a child of my own. I’ve been looking at the items collected and the longing lingers. I want to feel that my heart will burst with the love I can lavish on my child. Please pray for us. There are always reasonings why and when it should happen. I don’t want it to never occur.

Our best bet is to adopt. With the bipolar I’m taking to many risky drugs that would hinder a healthy birth. We looked at adoption before. It sounds like they scrutinize the potential parents more than the birth parents. They will know everything, about the bipolar, skin and breast cancer. We need a miracle to get a child. I have to hold fast and truly believe that all things are possible with God!